Joy

Something that has bothered me for awhile is the way I dramatically, pragmatically plod on.  I have had to concentrate on our transition to something sentient just to keep my lid on.   I wonder (worry, really) if I may convey the sense that sentience will be a dull existence, like automatons just droning away.  That it will take what little joy there is today out of life.

Exactly, the opposite, of course, will be the case.  I don't think I want to go on and on about it but, emotionally stable does not equate with lack of joy or passion.  Joy and passion will be in abundance. Far more than today.  It seems obvious but I am a worrier warrior in this life.  The potential's still there.  It's just been set aside, so far.  Life should be full of joy and passion, not just in romcoms.  Today, we have toys and obsessions in its stead.  I look forward to not having to worry every little piece of existence into place because it makes no sense to a sentient mind.  It's gibberish we've been dishing out and we lap it up.

I have always liked that the word analysis begins with anal.  It just seems so appropriate.  I also like the phrase, analysis paralysis.  It pretty well embodies my life.  Perforce.  I was driven to that extreme.  What in the world were we doing?  And WHY? 

 Interestingly enough, a test I once took showed that I had an unusual capacity to be both a dreamer and a pragmatist.  Because of circumstances, I was driven to the pragmatic extreme of analysis paralysis of this life that led to nothing but dead ends, but always measured success in dreams secured.  Nothing cooked up before, answered anything.  It was training for a pet dog.  Pavlov's Dog, in fact.  For all of my existence, make no mistake, I have ached for the joy and passion of a sentient life.  It just is not available yet.

I have the potential for true joy and passion.  I just haven't had the circumstances.  Yet.